BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE

They’re everywhere. Metrosexual douchesquads with frosted tips and excessive bling, sporting designer murses and fist pumping their way from nightclub to nightclub in their sport utility vehicles accented with spinning rims. It’s a douche-nation and they’re slowly suffocating any intelligent life left out there. You may think you’re in the clear with your “real job”, clean-cut appearance, turned down collar and your Ford Focus, but douchebaggery is an epidemic. They’re polluting the streets, shopping malls, movie theaters, clubs, gyms and restaurants. No public vicinity is a safe haven and whether you like it or not this plague is everything but avoidable. You may not have any idea that there’s a festering douchebag within just waiting to erupt through the tips of your potential faux hawk, but inside every shot of jagermeister is a [jager]bomb ready to explode. Here’s how to recognize your inner douche so you can stomp out the raging roid fire before it has a chance to spread.

Let the anti fist pumping begin…

Never, and I mean never, is there any logical or viable reason for you to be wearing sunglasses inside, especially at night. Corey Hart is an asshole for implanting such an annoying lyrical virus into society. I don’t care if your pinkeye is pussing from lid to lid, if it’s bad enough you feel that you shouldn’t be seen in public, then STAY AT HOME. While you may think this look is “cool”, I’m telling you right now that about 90% of the people around you think you look like a goof and of that ninety percent, 30% are fighting the urge to bitch-slap the mirrored sunglasses right off your face. Save the shades for their intended purpose, UV rays.

On the topic of appearance we might as well cover the ENTIRE attire basis.

Ed Hardy and Affliction are not cool anymore. It’s fallen into the same category as VonDutch, Triple 5 Soul, shiny bar-star shirts from the 90’s and basketball jerseys worn outside of the gym. Bedazzling shirts is not intended for adults. You shouldn’t feel the need to pay hundreds of dollars for something your 6 year-old niece would happily do for free.

Wearing a popped collar with a wristband and a cocked hat is an oxy-moron. What image are you trying to portray? We learned from mullets that you can’t have the best of every world, you just can’t.

Men don’t need accessories. You have pockets. There’s no reason for you to carry a murse, this has to be some kind of mother-son separation anxiety syndrome defect. Purses were invented for women, there are an abundance of things we NEED when we leave the house. So unless you’re auditioning for Too Wong Foo Part 2, there can’t be anything you NEED that doesn’t fit in your pockets.

Excessive and elaborate jewellery is also unnecessary. You’re not a rapper making 20 million a year; it’s obvious the foot-by-foot diamond encrusted cross hanging from your neck is a fake. Same goes for massive diamond earrings. Unless that jewellery comes with a second mortgage, you’re not fooling anyone. Also, flashy dog tags. If you didn’t serve in the army, you didn’t earn them. It’s over-done.

“Yo baby, you is fine” followed by a puckered kiss is neither a sentence nor is it an effective pick-up line. Ebonics and gestures have gotten out of control. English was taught in grade school for a reason, we should use it. The over use of acronyms like ‘LOL’, ‘OMG’, ‘LMFAO’, ‘BRB’, ‘DTF’ etc… has single-handedly massacred the English language. No one’s communicating anymore, we sound like a bunch of uneducated valley girls looking for a gang bang.

Gestures like laser shooting, peace signs, and gun-flexing were embarrassing when your dad was exercising them in the 80’s… I know it’s shocking but nothing’s changed. Now we have fist pumping. Okay, to be clear, Jersey Shore is a reality TV show meant to be laughed at, not emulated. No one actually looks cool fist pumping. Even “The Situation” doesn’t look cool fist pumping, but he gets paid a lot of money to do it. So there’s a difference.

Tanning beds and frosted tips are the Anti-Christ. We live in Canada, where it is cold eight months of the year, this may come as a surprise to some people but NO ONE who lives here is orange twelve months of the year naturally. Jaundice is a disease most people aim to avoid. And to be clear, frosting the tips of your hair was a fad in the 90’s when Sugar Ray put out a hit single. There’s a reason Mark McGrath co-hosts Extra now. Take a hint.

Lay off on the cologne. The AXE commercial is not real. Women aren’t dogs who flock towards smell, especially the reek of try-hard.

The final and most annoyingly obvious sign of douchebaggery, is obnoxious behavior. While you may be drunk or even just unaware, it is the quickest and most fluid way to achieving the inner douche. The problem with this is that it can be deceiving, as a lot of the time jerk-off behavior can’t be spotted a mile away like the glare from an Ed Hardy shirt.

Things like talking excessively loud on your Bluetooth. For one: Bluetooths are douchey to begin with, save looking like a schizophrenic for while you’re behind the wheel. Second, no one cares about your conversation, or how cool you think your evening plans make you seem. You’re not the center of gravity, it’s best you learn that now before you’re REALLY disappointed later in life.

Don’t be the only one in a room laughing at your own jokes. Dane Cook looks like a jackass doing it and so do you.

Don’t joke about doing your buddy’s mom. Why the hell did this become such a prominent joke in pop culture anyways? It’s something a 15 year-old kid says when he can’t formulate a comeback for his equally immature friends. Dragging “Your Mom” jokes into adulthood is just lazy.

Stay away from public displays of masculine stupidity like, bitching about your girlfriend, fighting, or shot-gunning beer and smashing the can against your forehead. Don’t brag. No one cares how often you work-out or how much you can bench, congratulations on your gym regime, you’re a true hero. And no one cares about how much money you have, or how much your sunglasses cost, material is just material, owning a personality is a much wiser investment.

Written by: Jordan West

Tags: d, douchebag, douchesqad, gym, image, jersey, jordan, mike, mvp, pauly, rat, shore, situation, style, the, vinny, west